Formula for a Successful Apology

You've done it.  You've totally screwed up and now you need to apologize, and the words are tumbling around in your head as you try to construct the appropriate apology.  Fear not!  As one who has screwed up countless times, I have far too much practice in apologies, and can offer you advice based on my vast experience.

You are soooo busted.

A proper apology contains three elements.  It is important to include all three, and a very good idea not to go beyond them -regret, confession, repentance.  Here is the framework for an appropriate apology:

"I'm sorry I did that.  I screwed up.  I won't do it again."

If in doubt you can use that exactly as written in almost any situation.  Memorize it.  Use it.

Let's examine the three components:

"I'm sorry" -This is the entry level apology, and we teach our children to say it, while scuffing their foot around to let us know that they really don't mean it.  People want to hear our regret, at a minimum, but this is really not enough.  Are you sorry you did it, or just sorry you got caught?  Are you sorry I'm so difficult to please?  At it's best, "I'm sorry" should also specify the offense - "I'm sorry I forgot your birthday."  Failure to specify leads to confusion and an apology must be crystal clear.

Or, it can mean that your ego is so huge you can't admit fault.

"I screwed up." -Admit it's your fault.  So often people follow "I'm sorry" with an excuse for why it was really OK, or not really their fault.  "I'm sorry I hit you, but your words were making me angry."  That is not an apology, it is blame-shifting.  Admit your own fault without blaming anyone else.  "I'm sorry we had that fight.  I have to listen better."  Failure to accept blame turns the apology into a cloaked accusation.

"I won't do it again." -Show your maturity.  If the action was worthy of an apology, it should not be repeated.  This step is necessary to heal the relationship.  The other person needs to know that s/he should not expect this behavior again.  "I won't go out without telling you any more."  Failure to repent leaves guards up and prevents a complete healing of the wound.

What men really mean by "I won't do it again."

You may be tempted to add to these elements.  Don't.  An apology should be short, sincere, complete, and simple.  Turning it into a story is likely to make things worse.  It will become filled with excuses, blame shifting, and denial.

"I'm sorry I did that.  I screwed up.  I won't do it again."  You can apply this formula to many situations:

"I'm sorry I didn't clean up the dirty dishes.  I should have been more considerate.  I won't forget them again."

"I apologize for eating your lunch from the office refrigerator.  I should have ordered delivery.  I won't eat your food again."

"I'm sorry for posting that embarrassing picture of you on Facebook.  I should have respected your privacy.  I won't post anything else without your permission."

A real pro at work here.

Now, go forth and apologize well.

Travel light, Christian

[Jesus] sent them out to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. He told them: “Take nothing for the journey—no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra tunic." (Luke 9:2-5)

 What an odd set of instructions for Jesus to give his 12 disciples as he sent them out to spread the Gospel.  He could have told them not to pack a bunch of junk, but this was even more emphatic.  "Take nothing," he said.  Naturally I did a word study on this to better understand it, and "take nothing" actually means "take nothing."  Having failed to dilute this seemingly strange commandment to the 12, I now have to try to understand why such a bold instruction was made.

This is the same Jesus who said "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."  He was referring to our needs such as food and clothing.  If I need a staff, I'll find one.  I don't need a bag, because it is used to carry things I don't need.  I don't need to carry extra money, God will provide what I need as the need arises.  I don't need an extra tunic, I can clean this one as I go.

Several years ago I had the pleasure of meeting Mike Johnson, who was then Pastor of First Baptist Church in Albertville.  He has since moved on to Boone's Chapel, and the great folks at FBC have another fantastic Pastor, Chris Johnson (oddly, no relation).  FBC Albertville one of the largest congregations in our County.

As Pastor of FBC Albertville,  Mike Johnson lived in a trailer.  Now, it was a nice trailer, but nonetheless his home was brought in on wheels.  It wasn't a salary issue.  Mike is also a successful business man and could have afforded to live in just about any house in town.

Mike chose to live in a trailer, he said, so that if God called him to do so, he could follow right then.

That hit me like a ton of bricks because I am in exactly the opposite situation.  My wife and I own a large poultry farm, a fairly large home, and a mortgage to go with the whole thing.  My chicken contract and mortgage contract are obligations that I must in good faith keep.  While we've never lived extravagantly, we are definitely tied down to the farm.  I should not be.

As Jesus walked beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.”  At once they left their nets and followed him.

Did you read that, fellow Christian?  "At once" they left their nets.  It was two years ago when Kim and I agreed on God's call in our lives, to go to Lebanon.  Unfortunately, we have a mortgage on our nets, and as the Bible says "the borrower is servant to the lender."  I have to sell my boat and my nets to pay off my mortgage.  I've compared selling a chicken farm to wrestling an octopus.  When you pry a few tentacles off, there's always another one to grab you.

The problem is not what we have, it's whether it has us.  Mike Johnson is not a poor man, but he is a man who is ready to follow God's calling "at once."  I want to be like that.  This has been a painful lesson in some ways, knowing I should be doing something else, but being unable to do it "at once."  I know that God will work out the timing according to his will, but I haven't worked out my part according to his will.

No more debt, or contract entanglements, will keep me from being able to follow God's will in my life.  This is my last round wrestling the octopus.

Where Does Your Heart Belong?

C.S. Lewis, "The Weight of Glory"
"...If we consider...the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures...like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."


I came to the realization not long ago that I have been settling for second best in my life for far too long. The past few years have been good ones, to be sure. I've Pastored a couple of Churches and a recovery ministry. It's been a great privilege to serve on the boards of CMJC and CWJC. Farming has allowed me to home school my children. It would be easy to be satisfied with that. Yet, as C. S. Lewis so eloquently realized, the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels far exceed my comfortable life. I have been too easily pleased.

God has a greater plan for my life, and for my family. We've spent so long living in a world of our own making, maintained by our own capability, that we've lost sight of the abundant life promised by God.

The potter has crafted each of us for a great purpose. It would be very sad if I died without ever achieving the one great thing for which God created me. I don't want to waste another day doing anything else.

John 4:35
I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. Even now the reaper draws his wages, even now he harvests the crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together.

The teaching is clear. Now is the time. We often spend so much time planning and preparing that we miss the work of the Holy Spirit. We end up going under our own power because we show up too late. We show up after the harvest is finished and the grain has fallen from the stalks. No great plan or purpose of ours can make up for the lack of missing God's work. Now is the time.

Revelation 21:1
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away

All the things I've built -my house, my barns, will crumble. My tractor will rust and fall apart. Even the very land on which they rest will someday be gone. The Pharaohs and Caesars built impressive monuments, but they too will pass. We build legacies in the hope that we will be remembered, but we build them in the wrong world. The old earth will be destroyed, and a new earth created. Nothing is eternal in this physical world.

The only thing that will ever matter is what we do for the kingdom of God. That is the only eternal thing -the lives of other people that we touch.

Matthew 6:19
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

David Livingstone was a famous missionary and explorer who dedicated his life to finding innovative ways to share the Gospel in Africa. He spent his life exploring that Continent and sharing the message of Christ in villages in the remote regions unreached by other missionaries. He had a genuine love for Africa and her people, and a passion to see them won for Christ. It was a difficult life -his wife turned to alcoholism and later died of malaria. He made many mistakes and poor choices, not the least of which was failure to be a father to his own children.

Many considered his journeys a failure, because he himself won only one known convert during all his years of preaching and exploration. Yet, his love and passion for Africa, and for the Gospel inspired generations and nations to missionary work on that continent.

Wracked by malaria and dysentery, his body spent from his grueling expeditions, Livingstone died in 1873 in a small African village at Ilala. The natives agreed to return his body to England for burial, but they kept his heart, and buried it under a small tree outside the village.

“You can have his body,” said the note they sent with the corpse, “but his heart belongs in Africa.”

Where does your heart belong?