Disciplining Children

A good home has good rules, and a Christian home has godly rules.  Your children need rules.  They crave limits that give them the safety and security to explore and be creative.  Whatever else your rules might be, they must first of all be consistent.  They must be consistent with the word of God, and consistently applied and enforced.

My wife and I have four children.  Having one now seems like hardly having any at all.  You can gang up on the child.  Having two children was different because we could no longer gang up on them, but at least we could split them up –divide and conquer.  When the third child came along, suddenly we were outnumbered.  We were playing zone defense.  The fourth child just made the zones wider.

One thing we learned early on was consistency.  The rules are the rules.  When the rules aren't really the rules, kids get confused.  All of a sudden they have to find out what the boundaries really are.  Your kids will look for boundaries, and they won’t be happy until they find them.

It’s unfair to your kids to punish them for breaking the rules one time, and let them slide the next time.  All of a sudden they understand that it’s not about the rules –it’s about Mom or Dad’s mood swings.

You need clear rules about everything.  They need to know what they can watch on TV, what they must eat at dinner, when they can use the telephone, how much time they can spend on the computer.  Is it okay to make exceptions?  Yes, but only if it is done beforehand and with the understanding that the rule is being suspended just this one time, not changed. For example, my oldest son is allowed one hour of video games per day.  On Friday nights we have movie night, and I may allow him to play longer.

You need clear communication.  The word “obey” has worked very well in our home.  If one of our children is not doing what they are told, I will say “Obey me and do this.”  My child understands at that point that there will be no further discussion, talk, or warnings.  If obedience is not immediate, the children know that I will act firmly.  Like the rising and setting of the sun, justice will surely be administered.

Discipline needs to be fair, swift, and consistent.  There are lots of ways to discipline children, and so long as the discipline is effective and not harsh, most of them are okay.  Consistency is more important than your choice of technique.

Here are some guidelines for judging appropriate discipline.

1. Never discipline in anger.  Your children need for you to be in control.  When you are not in control of yourself, they can sense that and it frustrates them.  When you are angry, your discipline will not be consistent.  You will make rash threats that you don’t mean, or worse yet you may injure your child.  We use timeouts in our home, but it’s primarily used to give the parent a chance to calm down before actual discipline is carried out.


2. Pick your battles, not everything is worthy of a battle.  I say this with reluctance, so let me explain.  Choose your battles carefully ahead of time.  If the behavior is not serious enough to go the distance in correcting, then you may want to let it go, especially if you are in a situation where discipline will be awkward.

But, if the behavior is serious enough to be corrected, then stick to your guns.  Don’t ever, ever start to discipline your children and then back down.  Never.  Once they sense your weakness, it’s like blood in the water.  They’ll eat you alive.  Always win.  Sometimes you may have to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.  Maybe you’ll just have to give your child a lollipop, but make the child be quiet and say please.  Find some shred of victory.


3. Realize that even children need to express anger from time to time.  You have to give your child a way to express their emotions.  There has to be some outlet.  We don’t allow our children to be mean or disrespectful, but we do allow them to speak their mind.  “Daddy, I’m mad at you” is okay.  “Daddy, you are an idiot” is not okay.

With younger children, you may need to talk them through this process.  They will have to be taught appropriate ways to express anger.  Be patient with them.


4. Choose the best time and place to discipline. Always discipline in private.  Grabbing your kid up and whacking him on the bottom in the checkout line at Wal-Mart is not a good idea.  If you are consistent with discipline, you won’t have to do it.  The promise that they will be punished in the car will work if they know that it really will happen.

If my wife and I are driving down the road, and one of the children misbehaves, we don't ignore it, yell threats, or swipe a hand around in the air.  I stop whatever else I am doing to correct my children.  Nothing else that I am doing is more important than teaching them.  I pull over to the side of the road, and calmly (okay, I might get peeved sometimes, but I never yell) make the standards understood.  If there is then disobedience, a spanking will follow.  I do not allow my children to be rebellious.


5. Choose your words carefully and speak in a soft tone of voice.  Words matter –they mean things.  Never, ever insult or degrade your child.  Address the bad behavior and make it known that you will not accept such behavior.  Never raise your voice in anger.  This conveys hatred to the child.  You want to change the behavior, not demean the child.

How do you know what behavior to correct?  The best answer is that we don’t need to just address the issue at hand, but we need to look into the heart.

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.

The behavior of a child reflects what is in his or her heart.  A child who takes toys doesn’t just need to correct that behavior, that child needs to learn generosity.  A child who hits doesn’t just need to correct that behavior, that child needs to learn compassion.  Help your child to guard his heart against sin.  Pray over your child every day –you will get an incredible blessing, and so will your child.

Luke 6
43“No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. 44Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. 45The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

Changing only the outside behavior doesn’t solve the problem.

Imagine that you planted an apple tree.  After a couple of years it bears some apples, but they are bitter and wormy.  So, you go to the store and buy shiny, tasty apples and tie them onto the branches.  You haven’t helped the tree at all.  It still bears bad fruit.  Likewise putting your focus only on behavior modification is useless.  Work on your child’s heart.

I want to say a word or two about corporal punishment.  What I am about to say is only for Christian parents.  If you are not a Christian, do not try this at home.

We often hear the proverb “Spare the rod and spoil the child.”  That’s not anywhere to be found in the Bible.  Proverbs 13:24 actually says “He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.”  That’s a strong statement, folks.  Sometimes the rod of correction is the only medicine.  You owe it to your child to discipline lovingly and diligently.  When you withhold from them what is their right, you are showing contempt for your child.

The rod of correction is still fashionable with God.  Hebrews 12:6 says : For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, And He scourges every son whom He receives.”

The sting of physical pain is nothing compared to the life of an undisciplined person with no boundaries or morality.

Proverbs 23
13 Do not withhold discipline from a child;
if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.
14 Punish him with the rod
and save his soul from death.

Let me tell you what has worked for me.  We only spank for defiance and disobedience.  We never punish our children for mistakes.  Sometimes I’d like to pinch their heads off, mind you, but I never punish for mistakes, even really stupid ones.  But if I have placed something out of bounds, then I will spank them for disobeying my rules.  I don’t spank them for getting into the cookie jar, I spank them for doing it when I have forbidden it.

We use a flat paint-stirring stick.  The one gallon stick is suitable for younger children, the five gallon for older. It is light enough that it won’t cause injury, and yet delivers a sting on the seat of the pants.  Never use your bare hands.  Hands are for loving, rods are for correcting.  We always spank our kids on the legs or their bottom.  Those are not places where it will seem like an attack.  We have a system of one to five licks.  One is a reminder, five is for something serious like disrespecting an elder.

First the crime is reviewed.  Guilt is established.  This is not a time where they can argue, all comments are from the bench.  The sentence (including the number of licks to be applied) is then laid out and explained.  Punishment is then administered.  Immediately we embrace our child and tell them that we love them.  We explain that what they did was wrong, and that was why they were spanked. Finally, we lay out our expectations for better behavior, and encourage our child to do better.  If you will follow this pattern, your children will get a lesson from their spanking, instead of just a sore bottom.

There are many other means of discipline that we use for behavior that is not disobedient or defiant.  We withold privileges like television or toys.  We confine our child to the bed.  Confining your child to their room is like throwing Brer Rabbit into the Briar patch –they have Nintendo or toys to play with.  Make sure they stay in bed.

Whatever forms you use, remember the principles.

1. Never discipline in anger, always in love.

2. Pick your battles, not everything is worthy of a battle.  

3. Realize that even children need to express anger from time to time.

4. Choose the best time and place to discipline. 

5. Choose your words carefully and speak in a soft tone of voice. 

What to Do When You're Married to an Abuser

For most of us, our marriage is our most important relationship. It builds friendships, social networks, and may even give us children. What do we do when it turns rotten at the core? What does one do with an abusive spouse?

The first and most important question is whether he's hitting you. If he is, stop reading this now, grab what little you can, and get out. Finish reading this later. Go to your Mom. Go to your Pastor. Go to a trusted friend. You are living with an ungodly man. Don't let him hit you or your children. When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” he was teaching against violence. Jesus lived in an age where people responded to insults with violence. He was teaching that insult and injustice do not merit a violent response. They do merit a response. Find a better way to respond. Jesus never, ever meant that your husband can hit you. Now go, get out of the house if you haven't already.

If he's “just” being a manipulative, mean-spirited jerk who treats you like trash, then don't take that either. I want to talk specifically in this blog about a situation where a man claims to be a Christian, but mistreats his wife. If you have married an unbeliever, against the teachings of the scriptures, then I do pity you just as much but I have far fewer answers for your situation.

First, much evil has been taught from Ephesians 5:22-33. It does not mean “shut up and take it because he's the man.” Much of this false teaching can be undone simply by backing up one verse (to verse 21) and reading that into the context of the passage. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Christians must live lives of submission to one another -in every facet and relationship of our lives. We submit to the authority of the Church, we submit to our parents, and we submit to one another. What follows in Ephesians teaches the path of submission for husbands and wives, but do not forget that both submit.

Starting in Ephesians 5 verse 22 we read:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

This is usually all we get to hear, and even that is poorly taught. The scripture tells wives to submit to their husbands as you do to the lord, and as the Church submits to Christ. How do we make that submission? Do we submit ourselves to God because he is harsh with us, and unjust? Do we submit ourselves to God because he hurts us and dominates us? God forbid! This would make us morally superior to God! The Bible tells us exactly why we submit to God. In 1 John 4:19 we read that “We love because he first loved us.” We cannot love God, we cannot submit to God, except that he loved us first. Wives, submit to your husbands in that same way -because he loved you first. If he does not treat you with love -not just words, but deeds also- he has no claim on your submission.

In Ephesians 5 verse 25 we read:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word...

How has Christ loved the Church? How much did Christ sacrifice himself for his beloved? Don't we sing hymns of praise to Him for these things? Isn't he our Lord because of how he loved us and sacrificed himself for us? Has anyone shown greater love than laying down his life? Don't you dare to show your wife Ephesians 5:22 until you are living this example of love.

In Ephesians chapter 5 verse 28 Paul continues:

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body.

If you are abusing your wife emotionally, physically, verbally, or in any other way, you are doing it because you hate yourself. If you loved yourself you could love her. You should hate yourself. You are a mean-spirited, selfish, violent, self-serving, manipulative sinner. You need to experience what real love means before you can love yourself or love her. Quit pretending you're a religious man and run to Jesus. Run now. Learn from Him how to love so that you can be the man she should respect.

What do I do if he won't listen?

Jesus taught a simple formula in Matthew 18:15-17. Remember, if he is hitting you, this is moot. You do not have a marriage. You should be out of the house.

1) Talk to him yourself in private. Let him read this. Pray that he will be convicted. This is the hardest step, but don't skip it. If he won't listen go to step 2.

2) Take someone with you to talk to him. It might be a family member, friend, counselor, you need a third party involved. If he still won't listen, go to step 3.

3) Take it to the Church. This might mean your Elders, your Pastor, trustees, a bishop, or some other leader or leadership group. It doesn't mean that you get on the phone and start calling people and spreading gossip. Use whatever accountability structures that you can find. If your Church does not have any accountability, then it is not a Church, it is a cult.

I don't know if this will help you in your situation, I pray that it does. Hopefully it will at least encourage you that you should not live in misery. The truth will set you free.

I Me Wed?

My wonderful wife of 20 years is sick this morning, and as a dutiful husband I sat on the couch and watched a chick flick with her.  Normally my eyes glaze over and I think about video games for a couple of hours, but this movie caught my interest a bit because it stepped outside the normal wedding story/love triangle memes that define chick flicks.  The protagonist decides to marry herself in order to address the constant urging of her friends and family to get married.

Narcissisitc, Moi?

We have a problem in our society with foisting off marriages on the unprepared.  How can we act surprised at our astronomical divorce rates when our society is feeding that machine constantly?  Nowhere is this mistake more common than in the Church itself.

Some time ago I read an article about an elderly minister who passed away after many years spent performing weddings at a Chapel in the Smoky Mountains.  In the article it was mentioned that he had performed thousands of weddings over the years as a Chaplain.  While many people commented on how wonderful this was, I found it tragic.  Now, I have nothing against eloping for Chapel weddings.  My parents travelled to Georgia for a Chapel wedding and enjoyed almost fifty years of good marriage before my father passed away.

But there are crosses on

the top so it's still official.

I am opposed to ushering people into marriages for which they are not prepared.  You see, while this gentleman may have performed thousands of ceremonies, he didn't provide Biblical counseling for the couples.  There's no evidence that he tried to determine if they are believers.  He did a cultural ceremony with the trappings of Christianity thrown over it.  What makes this a shame is that this supposed minister of the Gospel should have known better, the Bible is very clear on these issues.

Ministers:
You are window dressing.  Jesus said "What God has joined together, let no man break apart."  God joins a believing man and woman in a holy covenant.  This means that no matter how much you read from the Bible, no matter how many times you pray, and no matter how many crosses are in the building, you cannot join anyone in marriage.  You cannot make anything Holy, Pastor.  You cannot join adulterers or non-believers in marriage.  You are window dressing, so act like it.

Several years ago a faithful Christian friend told me that his wife was divorcing him to marry another man.  She wasn't "happy."  What irked me most is that she had already planned her wedding with the Pastor of a Church in Albertville.  I understand grace and forgiveness, and fully believe that divorced people can repent and move forward with their lives, even remarrying when repentance and forgiveness are done.  But, you don't get to play that card if you are planning your wedding and divorce at the same time.  Jesus called that "adultery."  Shame on that Pastor who thought he could make that union Holy.  It was unholy, right there in the Church building.

This is not the important part.

What you can do is provide Biblical counseling to help couples know if this is God's will for them.  Confront them with the Gospel and make sure they understand the marriage covenant.  Try to talk them out of marriage if you can.  One couple came to me about marriage because she was pregnant.  This was not about a couple wanting to get married before God.  This was a divorce waiting to happen, complete with child custody battles and bitter, broken lives.  Thank God they listened to Biblical counsel and did not marry.

Friends and Family:

Every time you have the uncontrollable urge to pressure someone to get married, cut off one of your fingers with a knife.  When you have experienced that level of pain, then you can understand what you are inflicting on your beloved friend.

But I really, really want grandchildren

If you actually want to help your child, friend, or family member, discourage them from marriage, because that's what the Gospel does.

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.  But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

What?  Remain unmarried?  Who will love my child/friend?  What good purpose can s/he have without getting married?  Here's a crazy thought... How about God?  Can we trust him to give purpose and love?

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

Instead of pointing our children to the wedding chapel for purpose, let's point them to the Creator of the altar.  If you truly believe that God made your friend/family member for a purpose, then that must be the most important thing in his or her life.

The crazy girl in "I Me Wed" seemed to understand that concept better than most Christians.  Ironically, she married her boyfriend at the end of a movie.  It is, after all, just a chick flick.  The whole message of the movie was sold out to the inevitable plot ending required by the genre.

Let's not sell out the message of the Gospel that way.