A good home has good rules, and a Christian home has godly rules. Your children need rules. They crave limits that give them the safety and security to explore and be creative. Whatever else your rules might be, they must first of all be consistent. They must be consistent with the word of God, and consistently applied and enforced.
My wife and I have four children. Having one now seems like hardly having any at all. You can gang up on the child. Having two children was different because we could no longer gang up on them, but at least we could split them up –divide and conquer. When the third child came along, suddenly we were outnumbered. We were playing zone defense. The fourth child just made the zones wider.
One thing we learned early on was consistency. The rules are the rules. When the rules aren't really the rules, kids get confused. All of a sudden they have to find out what the boundaries really are. Your kids will look for boundaries, and they won’t be happy until they find them.
It’s unfair to your kids to punish them for breaking the rules one time, and let them slide the next time. All of a sudden they understand that it’s not about the rules –it’s about Mom or Dad’s mood swings.
You need clear rules about everything. They need to know what they can watch on TV, what they must eat at dinner, when they can use the telephone, how much time they can spend on the computer. Is it okay to make exceptions? Yes, but only if it is done beforehand and with the understanding that the rule is being suspended just this one time, not changed. For example, my oldest son is allowed one hour of video games per day. On Friday nights we have movie night, and I may allow him to play longer.
You need clear communication. The word “obey” has worked very well in our home. If one of our children is not doing what they are told, I will say “Obey me and do this.” My child understands at that point that there will be no further discussion, talk, or warnings. If obedience is not immediate, the children know that I will act firmly. Like the rising and setting of the sun, justice will surely be administered.
Discipline needs to be fair, swift, and consistent. There are lots of ways to discipline children, and so long as the discipline is effective and not harsh, most of them are okay. Consistency is more important than your choice of technique.
Here are some guidelines for judging appropriate discipline.
1. Never discipline in anger. Your children need for you to be in control. When you are not in control of yourself, they can sense that and it frustrates them. When you are angry, your discipline will not be consistent. You will make rash threats that you don’t mean, or worse yet you may injure your child. We use timeouts in our home, but it’s primarily used to give the parent a chance to calm down before actual discipline is carried out.
2. Pick your battles, not everything is worthy of a battle. I say this with reluctance, so let me explain. Choose your battles carefully ahead of time. If the behavior is not serious enough to go the distance in correcting, then you may want to let it go, especially if you are in a situation where discipline will be awkward.
But, if the behavior is serious enough to be corrected, then stick to your guns. Don’t ever, ever start to discipline your children and then back down. Never. Once they sense your weakness, it’s like blood in the water. They’ll eat you alive. Always win. Sometimes you may have to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Maybe you’ll just have to give your child a lollipop, but make the child be quiet and say please. Find some shred of victory.
3. Realize that even children need to express anger from time to time. You have to give your child a way to express their emotions. There has to be some outlet. We don’t allow our children to be mean or disrespectful, but we do allow them to speak their mind. “Daddy, I’m mad at you” is okay. “Daddy, you are an idiot” is not okay.
With younger children, you may need to talk them through this process. They will have to be taught appropriate ways to express anger. Be patient with them.
4. Choose the best time and place to discipline. Always discipline in private. Grabbing your kid up and whacking him on the bottom in the checkout line at Wal-Mart is not a good idea. If you are consistent with discipline, you won’t have to do it. The promise that they will be punished in the car will work if they know that it really will happen.
If my wife and I are driving down the road, and one of the children misbehaves, we don't ignore it, yell threats, or swipe a hand around in the air. I stop whatever else I am doing to correct my children. Nothing else that I am doing is more important than teaching them. I pull over to the side of the road, and calmly (okay, I might get peeved sometimes, but I never yell) make the standards understood. If there is then disobedience, a spanking will follow. I do not allow my children to be rebellious.
5. Choose your words carefully and speak in a soft tone of voice. Words matter –they mean things. Never, ever insult or degrade your child. Address the bad behavior and make it known that you will not accept such behavior. Never raise your voice in anger. This conveys hatred to the child. You want to change the behavior, not demean the child.
How do you know what behavior to correct? The best answer is that we don’t need to just address the issue at hand, but we need to look into the heart.
Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
The behavior of a child reflects what is in his or her heart. A child who takes toys doesn’t just need to correct that behavior, that child needs to learn generosity. A child who hits doesn’t just need to correct that behavior, that child needs to learn compassion. Help your child to guard his heart against sin. Pray over your child every day –you will get an incredible blessing, and so will your child.
Luke 6
43“No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. 44Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. 45The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.
Changing only the outside behavior doesn’t solve the problem.
Imagine that you planted an apple tree. After a couple of years it bears some apples, but they are bitter and wormy. So, you go to the store and buy shiny, tasty apples and tie them onto the branches. You haven’t helped the tree at all. It still bears bad fruit. Likewise putting your focus only on behavior modification is useless. Work on your child’s heart.
I want to say a word or two about corporal punishment. What I am about to say is only for Christian parents. If you are not a Christian, do not try this at home.
We often hear the proverb “Spare the rod and spoil the child.” That’s not anywhere to be found in the Bible. Proverbs 13:24 actually says “He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.” That’s a strong statement, folks. Sometimes the rod of correction is the only medicine. You owe it to your child to discipline lovingly and diligently. When you withhold from them what is their right, you are showing contempt for your child.
The rod of correction is still fashionable with God. Hebrews 12:6 says : For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, And He scourges every son whom He receives.”
The sting of physical pain is nothing compared to the life of an undisciplined person with no boundaries or morality.
Proverbs 23
13 Do not withhold discipline from a child;
if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.
14 Punish him with the rod
and save his soul from death.
Let me tell you what has worked for me. We only spank for defiance and disobedience. We never punish our children for mistakes. Sometimes I’d like to pinch their heads off, mind you, but I never punish for mistakes, even really stupid ones. But if I have placed something out of bounds, then I will spank them for disobeying my rules. I don’t spank them for getting into the cookie jar, I spank them for doing it when I have forbidden it.
We use a flat paint-stirring stick. The one gallon stick is suitable for younger children, the five gallon for older. It is light enough that it won’t cause injury, and yet delivers a sting on the seat of the pants. Never use your bare hands. Hands are for loving, rods are for correcting. We always spank our kids on the legs or their bottom. Those are not places where it will seem like an attack. We have a system of one to five licks. One is a reminder, five is for something serious like disrespecting an elder.
First the crime is reviewed. Guilt is established. This is not a time where they can argue, all comments are from the bench. The sentence (including the number of licks to be applied) is then laid out and explained. Punishment is then administered. Immediately we embrace our child and tell them that we love them. We explain that what they did was wrong, and that was why they were spanked. Finally, we lay out our expectations for better behavior, and encourage our child to do better. If you will follow this pattern, your children will get a lesson from their spanking, instead of just a sore bottom.
There are many other means of discipline that we use for behavior that is not disobedient or defiant. We withold privileges like television or toys. We confine our child to the bed. Confining your child to their room is like throwing Brer Rabbit into the Briar patch –they have Nintendo or toys to play with. Make sure they stay in bed.
Whatever forms you use, remember the principles.
1. Never discipline in anger, always in love.
2. Pick your battles, not everything is worthy of a battle.
3. Realize that even children need to express anger from time to time.
4. Choose the best time and place to discipline.
5. Choose your words carefully and speak in a soft tone of voice.
My wife and I have four children. Having one now seems like hardly having any at all. You can gang up on the child. Having two children was different because we could no longer gang up on them, but at least we could split them up –divide and conquer. When the third child came along, suddenly we were outnumbered. We were playing zone defense. The fourth child just made the zones wider.
One thing we learned early on was consistency. The rules are the rules. When the rules aren't really the rules, kids get confused. All of a sudden they have to find out what the boundaries really are. Your kids will look for boundaries, and they won’t be happy until they find them.
It’s unfair to your kids to punish them for breaking the rules one time, and let them slide the next time. All of a sudden they understand that it’s not about the rules –it’s about Mom or Dad’s mood swings.
You need clear rules about everything. They need to know what they can watch on TV, what they must eat at dinner, when they can use the telephone, how much time they can spend on the computer. Is it okay to make exceptions? Yes, but only if it is done beforehand and with the understanding that the rule is being suspended just this one time, not changed. For example, my oldest son is allowed one hour of video games per day. On Friday nights we have movie night, and I may allow him to play longer.
You need clear communication. The word “obey” has worked very well in our home. If one of our children is not doing what they are told, I will say “Obey me and do this.” My child understands at that point that there will be no further discussion, talk, or warnings. If obedience is not immediate, the children know that I will act firmly. Like the rising and setting of the sun, justice will surely be administered.
Discipline needs to be fair, swift, and consistent. There are lots of ways to discipline children, and so long as the discipline is effective and not harsh, most of them are okay. Consistency is more important than your choice of technique.
Here are some guidelines for judging appropriate discipline.
1. Never discipline in anger. Your children need for you to be in control. When you are not in control of yourself, they can sense that and it frustrates them. When you are angry, your discipline will not be consistent. You will make rash threats that you don’t mean, or worse yet you may injure your child. We use timeouts in our home, but it’s primarily used to give the parent a chance to calm down before actual discipline is carried out.
2. Pick your battles, not everything is worthy of a battle. I say this with reluctance, so let me explain. Choose your battles carefully ahead of time. If the behavior is not serious enough to go the distance in correcting, then you may want to let it go, especially if you are in a situation where discipline will be awkward.
But, if the behavior is serious enough to be corrected, then stick to your guns. Don’t ever, ever start to discipline your children and then back down. Never. Once they sense your weakness, it’s like blood in the water. They’ll eat you alive. Always win. Sometimes you may have to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Maybe you’ll just have to give your child a lollipop, but make the child be quiet and say please. Find some shred of victory.
3. Realize that even children need to express anger from time to time. You have to give your child a way to express their emotions. There has to be some outlet. We don’t allow our children to be mean or disrespectful, but we do allow them to speak their mind. “Daddy, I’m mad at you” is okay. “Daddy, you are an idiot” is not okay.
With younger children, you may need to talk them through this process. They will have to be taught appropriate ways to express anger. Be patient with them.
4. Choose the best time and place to discipline. Always discipline in private. Grabbing your kid up and whacking him on the bottom in the checkout line at Wal-Mart is not a good idea. If you are consistent with discipline, you won’t have to do it. The promise that they will be punished in the car will work if they know that it really will happen.
If my wife and I are driving down the road, and one of the children misbehaves, we don't ignore it, yell threats, or swipe a hand around in the air. I stop whatever else I am doing to correct my children. Nothing else that I am doing is more important than teaching them. I pull over to the side of the road, and calmly (okay, I might get peeved sometimes, but I never yell) make the standards understood. If there is then disobedience, a spanking will follow. I do not allow my children to be rebellious.
5. Choose your words carefully and speak in a soft tone of voice. Words matter –they mean things. Never, ever insult or degrade your child. Address the bad behavior and make it known that you will not accept such behavior. Never raise your voice in anger. This conveys hatred to the child. You want to change the behavior, not demean the child.
How do you know what behavior to correct? The best answer is that we don’t need to just address the issue at hand, but we need to look into the heart.
Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
The behavior of a child reflects what is in his or her heart. A child who takes toys doesn’t just need to correct that behavior, that child needs to learn generosity. A child who hits doesn’t just need to correct that behavior, that child needs to learn compassion. Help your child to guard his heart against sin. Pray over your child every day –you will get an incredible blessing, and so will your child.
Luke 6
43“No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. 44Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. 45The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.
Changing only the outside behavior doesn’t solve the problem.
Imagine that you planted an apple tree. After a couple of years it bears some apples, but they are bitter and wormy. So, you go to the store and buy shiny, tasty apples and tie them onto the branches. You haven’t helped the tree at all. It still bears bad fruit. Likewise putting your focus only on behavior modification is useless. Work on your child’s heart.
We often hear the proverb “Spare the rod and spoil the child.” That’s not anywhere to be found in the Bible. Proverbs 13:24 actually says “He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.” That’s a strong statement, folks. Sometimes the rod of correction is the only medicine. You owe it to your child to discipline lovingly and diligently. When you withhold from them what is their right, you are showing contempt for your child.
The rod of correction is still fashionable with God. Hebrews 12:6 says : For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, And He scourges every son whom He receives.”
The sting of physical pain is nothing compared to the life of an undisciplined person with no boundaries or morality.
Proverbs 23
13 Do not withhold discipline from a child;
if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.
14 Punish him with the rod
and save his soul from death.
Let me tell you what has worked for me. We only spank for defiance and disobedience. We never punish our children for mistakes. Sometimes I’d like to pinch their heads off, mind you, but I never punish for mistakes, even really stupid ones. But if I have placed something out of bounds, then I will spank them for disobeying my rules. I don’t spank them for getting into the cookie jar, I spank them for doing it when I have forbidden it.
We use a flat paint-stirring stick. The one gallon stick is suitable for younger children, the five gallon for older. It is light enough that it won’t cause injury, and yet delivers a sting on the seat of the pants. Never use your bare hands. Hands are for loving, rods are for correcting. We always spank our kids on the legs or their bottom. Those are not places where it will seem like an attack. We have a system of one to five licks. One is a reminder, five is for something serious like disrespecting an elder.
First the crime is reviewed. Guilt is established. This is not a time where they can argue, all comments are from the bench. The sentence (including the number of licks to be applied) is then laid out and explained. Punishment is then administered. Immediately we embrace our child and tell them that we love them. We explain that what they did was wrong, and that was why they were spanked. Finally, we lay out our expectations for better behavior, and encourage our child to do better. If you will follow this pattern, your children will get a lesson from their spanking, instead of just a sore bottom.
There are many other means of discipline that we use for behavior that is not disobedient or defiant. We withold privileges like television or toys. We confine our child to the bed. Confining your child to their room is like throwing Brer Rabbit into the Briar patch –they have Nintendo or toys to play with. Make sure they stay in bed.
Whatever forms you use, remember the principles.
1. Never discipline in anger, always in love.
2. Pick your battles, not everything is worthy of a battle.
3. Realize that even children need to express anger from time to time.
4. Choose the best time and place to discipline.
5. Choose your words carefully and speak in a soft tone of voice.
