For most of us, our marriage is our
most important relationship. It builds friendships, social networks,
and may even give us children. What do we do when it turns rotten at
the core? What does one do with an abusive spouse?
The first and most important question
is whether he's hitting you. If he is, stop reading this now, grab
what little you can, and get out. Finish reading this later. Go to
your Mom. Go to your Pastor. Go to a trusted friend. You are
living with an ungodly man. Don't let him hit you or your children.
When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” he was teaching against
violence. Jesus lived in an age where people responded to insults
with violence. He was teaching that insult and injustice do not
merit a violent response. They do merit a response. Find a better
way to respond. Jesus never, ever meant that your husband can hit
you. Now go, get out of the house if you haven't already.
If he's “just” being a
manipulative, mean-spirited jerk who treats you like trash, then
don't take that either. I want to talk specifically in this blog
about a situation where a man claims to be a Christian, but mistreats
his wife. If you have married an unbeliever, against the teachings
of the scriptures, then I do pity you just as much but I have far
fewer answers for your situation.
First, much evil has been taught from
Ephesians 5:22-33. It does not mean “shut up and take it because
he's the man.” Much of this false teaching can be undone simply by
backing up one verse (to verse 21) and reading that into the context
of the passage. “Submit to one another out of reverence for
Christ.” Christians must live lives of submission to one another
-in every facet and relationship of our lives. We submit to the
authority of the Church, we submit to our parents, and we submit to
one another. What follows in Ephesians teaches the path of
submission for husbands and wives, but do not forget that both
submit.
Starting in Ephesians 5 verse 22 we
read:
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head
of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should
submit to their husbands in everything.
This is usually all
we get to hear, and even that is poorly taught. The scripture tells
wives to submit to their husbands as you do to the lord, and
as the Church submits to Christ. How do we make that
submission? Do we submit ourselves to God because he is harsh with
us, and unjust? Do we submit ourselves to God because he hurts us
and dominates us? God forbid! This would make us morally superior
to God! The Bible tells us exactly why we submit to God. In 1 John
4:19 we read that “We love because he first loved us.” We cannot
love God, we cannot submit to God, except that he loved us first.
Wives, submit to your husbands in that same way -because he loved you
first. If he does not treat you with love -not just words, but deeds
also- he has no claim on your submission.
In Ephesians 5
verse 25 we read:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave
himself up for her to make her holy,
cleansing her by the washing with water through the word...
How has Christ loved the
Church? How much did Christ sacrifice himself for his beloved?
Don't we sing hymns of praise to Him for these things? Isn't he our
Lord because of how he loved us and sacrificed himself for us? Has
anyone shown greater love than laying down his life? Don't you dare
to show your wife Ephesians 5:22 until you are living this example of
love.
In Ephesians
chapter 5 verse 28 Paul continues:
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own
bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and
care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are
members of his body.
If you are abusing
your wife emotionally, physically, verbally, or in any other way, you
are doing it because you hate yourself. If you loved yourself you
could love her. You should hate yourself. You are a mean-spirited,
selfish, violent, self-serving, manipulative sinner. You need to
experience what real love means before you can love yourself or love
her. Quit pretending you're a religious man and run to Jesus. Run
now. Learn from Him how to love so that you can be the man she
should respect.
What do I do if he
won't listen?
Jesus taught a
simple formula in Matthew 18:15-17. Remember, if he is hitting you,
this is moot. You do not have a marriage. You should be out of the
house.
1) Talk to him
yourself in private. Let him read this. Pray that he will be
convicted. This is the hardest step, but don't skip it. If he won't
listen go to step 2.
2) Take someone
with you to talk to him. It might be a family member, friend,
counselor, you need a third party involved. If he still won't
listen, go to step 3.
3) Take it to the
Church. This might mean your Elders, your Pastor, trustees, a
bishop, or some other leader or leadership group. It doesn't mean
that you get on the phone and start calling people and spreading gossip. Use whatever
accountability structures that you can find. If your Church does
not have any accountability, then it is not a Church, it is a cult.
I don't know if
this will help you in your situation, I pray that it does. Hopefully
it will at least encourage you that you should not live in misery.
The truth will set you free.
